FEAR No. 053 – Circles Unbroken

Will the circle be unbroken
By and by, Lord, by and by
There’s a better home a-waiting
In the sky, Lord, in the sky

–Habershon/Gabriel, Will The Circle Be Unbroken (1907)

BFam and I share a lot of connections. (A marriage and two kids later, you’d think we ought to share something.) Crappy paternal figures is one of them. Since I haven’t asked his permission to air the details of even an iota of his personal business on this site, I’m going to assume it’s off-limits and only focus on generalities. No sense in us ending up in Divorce Court after my proclamation of connection sharing and all. How about you take my word for it?

Crappy daddy issues. Check.


In the past few weeks, his paternalism has come into serious question. Those crappy daddy issues have been stopping by for coffee, which is how it always starts. First, coffee. Then, lunch. It’s not long until they’re asking you to take them to the Mall. And can you pick them up from work? Oh and, while you’re at it, can you hook up their entertainment system? Makes you wonder what tree BFam fell from.

BFam is an awesome dad. I envy my girls sometimes because they have no idea how bad they could have had it. Father figures in the black community border extinction. It is the unfortunate cornerstone of our society. Because of this, BFam is an enigma on so many levels. He’s present. He’s active. He’s protective. He’s stern. He’s patient. He’s loving. By our standards, he’s weird. Even more so because he has had no good examples of what a father is or should be. NONE. This is where the paternalism is questioned. How is it possible? How could having no example BE the example? If asked, BFam will simply tell you that seeing what he didn’t like gave him all the incentive to become what he wished he’d had. I’ve been with him long enough to know and understand his answers to these questions. Friends and colleagues of mine – just hearing snippets of our story – peel the scabs afresh…

How could having no example BE the example?

Until I met BFam, I had no awareness of familial “circles” or cycles. The recycling of behaviors, the reliving of past faults. It’s the déjà vu of regret. Instead of worrying if little Jimmy will have your protruding, Vulcan-like ears, now you’ve got to worry if he’ll be a gambler like your sister. Will he have a drug problem like your uncle. Will he take up drinking like your mother. Will he be an illegitimate father like you. When your worries and fears for your offspring are usurped, analyzed, then faced… congratulations. The circle is broken.

Notice I said “faced”. Uh boy…

BFam and I also share the connection in being great avoiders. We both hate conflict. I can actually handle it if it’s self-derived. Him? Not so much. And neither of us have broken our circles because we won’t face them. Run from them? Yes. Ignore them? I’m sorry, I can’t see you RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE, problem. Now go away.

Because of BFam, I am much more aware of my own familial circles. Collectively, we haven’t faced them. We are full aware that may end up biting us in the butt. The circles need to be broken for our sanity. For our children.

In following the trials of my blog buddy, Miss Britt, and all she and her family are going through, I see BFam and I aren’t the only ones with circles to break. Familial circles or cycles are REAL. Blood is an extremely powerful thing. It’s almost like a family curse. But how do you handle it? How do you face it? How do you break it and, if not you, then who?

As parents, BFam and I are adamant about keeping each other in check. We know enough about each others’ families, and the things we don’t like, to tell each other to cool it if we see similarities creep in to our circle. All this may mean nothing if we don’t speak to our own demons. Who knows what could flood out of those circles once and if we do.

Cover image: Circles by ~itsboyte on deviantART