FEAR No. 032 – Missing Your Calling

I have mentioned within the pages of this site my calling – knowing what it is, figuring out what to do with it. I am Queen of “What Ifs”, and it’s hardly ever “what if” something good. I am the reincarnation of Chicken Little. What if this fails? What if this goes wrong? What if I can’t do it? What if no one likes it? What if I’m chopping down this big tree in this really dense forest and I’m all alone with this chopping and I’m finally done with the chopping when the tree decides to fall but there’s no one there to hear it?”

See what I mean?

The world has been hit with an increase of celebrity deaths lately. People die all the time, so we shouldn’t be surprised. But they’re dying at what seems like a devastatingly faster pace. Is it just me? Sometimes I feel like I’m making that up in my mind, but then Ed. And Farrah. And Michael. And I’m going whew! That was intense. Then Billy Mayes and I’m all really? Universe? Are you trying to say something because I swear I’m listening if I wasn’t before. Then the crap in Iran and I’m about ready to find a ledge. I get like this when the world seems to crush in on me with its despair and sorrow. Who wants to live in anguish like this? Take me anywhere but here.

I used to think having kids would keep me from feeling this way, but I have two and the world is on fire. I’m starting to choke on smoke. When I was in high school feeling this way (along with all those other teen angsty feelings God deems necessary to give a human already suffering with so much other mental and hormonal garbage – thanks Guy), I’d turn to my notebook and write poetry. Dark and broody usually brought out prose in me. No idea why. Lately, I haven’t been feeling very poetic. Not creative either. This isn’t good for someone wanting so desperately to do something meaningful with their lives. This is called a “rut”, and I’m in one. I mentioned this on Twitter not expecting anyone to respond. Surprisingly, I got this from a fellow Twit:



Well, now I just feel dumb. Maybe I’m getting too heavy. Granted, I tweeted my frustration with life soon after watching a video of an Iranian girl gunned down in cold blood during a protest, but still (WARNING: Graphic video; watch at your own peril.). I have to keep living. Because if I’ve learned nothing from watching the latest trend of celebrity deaths it’s that your time will come soon enough. And when it does, you’ll wish you had time to stick around a bit longer.

The other thing I’ve learned in the midst of all this death? People go on living even after you’re gone. Depending on the mark you left, news of your death may give the world pause. But no one is standing in line to follow you in your celestial journey (and that right there proves I watch too much Big Love, but moving on…). They sing. They dance. They… write? That’s right. Whatever your “talent” was during your tenure amongst the living gets spread out among the universe with the rest of those left to survive you. And what of those who never utilized their talents to begin with (eg. me)? Do you have children? I do. And guess who’s showing early signs of introversion, lying and an overactive imagination? Any good author worth their salt will tell you those are the makings of a good writer.

One of my favorite movies is The Shawshank Redemption. In it, Tim Robbin’s character (Andy Dufresne) utters the line that always sticks with me: “Get busy living, or get busy dying.” In The Calling, I asked what happens once you’ve found it. I guess Andy Dufresne’s answer is as fitting as any. That, or “use it or lose it”, although that one doesn’t seem quite as eloquent.

Image Source: noun:telephone by ~charma-leon