FEAR No. 028 – Trusting Your Instincts
May 28, 2009 by NaysWay · 2 Comments
Orange Cones by gullevek
I have a little voice in my head. I don’t know what to call it. Some people call it instinct. Some call it a guardian angel. I’m sure everyone has this thing, this little voice. It’s so quiet, you can only hear it in silence. Not the silence found in a library but the silence when all the world around you is on fire with noise and congestion, yet you’ve seemed to find an inner stillness. It is quiet inside you. BFam calls it “changing the station”. My stepdad calls it “blowing out the candle”. You have checked out. Gone off the reserve. Entered the Twilight Zone.
You get the picture.
Lately, my little voice has turned up its frequency and decibel from a whisper to a conversational tone. I used to seldom hear it. Stop here. Don’t turn there. Wait five seconds then go. Don’t you want a tea instead of a soda pop? That’s probably not a mole. Stuff like that. My little voice has become the roommate from hell. A constant buzzing. Hey hey hey hey hey hey hi yo overhere look hiya hey hey hey hey hey downhere hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey.
And I can’t make it stop.
I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that this doesn’t happen often. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it only happens when my inner voice is trying REALLY hard to get my attention and I’m not listening. Sometimes, if the constant HEYs don’t work, I’ll be put in real-time situations where the trust in my inner voice is tested.
If you don’t know by now, I live in Ohio. More specific, Cleveland (go Cavs?). We endure road construction like Seattle endures rain. We have light construction times. We have heavy construction times. It’s Spring. We’re in a heavy construction time. For example: the Ohio Department of Transportation (ODOT) is moving a bridge – that’s right, A BRIDGE – connected to a integral stretch of freeway. So integral, it is disrupting businesses who use this route for inbound deliveries of goods and services. What is wrong with the bridge? Is it crumbling? Is it unsafe? Is the structure out of alignment? No. It needs to move over four inches. Like that framed artwork hanging on your living room wall. Four inches to the left. Nope. Still crooked. Throughout the city, freeways are receiving similar treatment. Patch work. Shoulder work. Pothole repair. This has caused a major disruption in the lives of those who live outside the city (such as myself) as we have to travel alternate routes to get home. Alternate routes that take FOR-EVER! I have a bad sense of direction. Scratch that… I have a TERRIBLE sense of direction. It’s innate, really. You want me to meet you at a coffee shop? Don’t tell me to go South or North or East or West. I’ll never get to you. Yes, I’ve lived in this city all my life and I still don’t know where I’m going thank you very much, BFam.
I am not happy about these alternate routes. I have a select few streets I’ve memorized, and even if it takes me out of my way one half hour, I’m taking it because it’s the only way I know. Last week began the start of my upheaval. Everyday, I leave my 9-to-5 and begin the second job of picking up my kids. The first is Mooter who is at my mom’s from the time she gets out of school until I pick her up. If the freeway weren’t under construction, it’d be a straight shot from the city. The quickest path between two points is a straight line… or something. I was never good at Math. Anyway, I’m screwed. I have to take the city. Where am I going? What the hell am I doing? Everyday, I’m mapping out my route in my head. Take Huron to Euclid to… wait, that’s not right. OK, take Superior to 79th to St. Clair to East Boulevard through Rockefeller Park to the windy road that leads to Bratenahl to Lakeshore to East 185th and, yeah, yeah. OK, I know where I’m going. NEVERMIND THE LEFTS AND RIGHTS. YOU’LL ONLY CONFUSE ME. PLEASE! SHUT UP!
At one juncture in my mapped out plan, I had a brain fart. I use landmarks to help me in my quests. This time, my landmark was a bridge. I’d come to an intersection. Do I make a left or a right? Where’s the bridge? What? Wait, WHAT?! TWO BRIDGES? TWO! Oh my God, WHERE AM I GOING? WHICH BRIDGE IS THE RIGHT BRIDGE? THEY. ARE. IDENTICAL! I’m freaking out. I literally break into a sweat. It’s 6:00. My mom has to pick up my stepdad from work at 6:30. I am only half-way to her house. I’m going to make her late and I still have another kid to pick up after this. What am I doing. Think. Think think think think think. I go right.
Did you know your brain sits in fluid within your skull? Did you know that, just like those compasses that sit in an orb surrounded by water, your brain will instinctively float you in the direction you should go? And, if you’re directionally challenged such as myself, you’ll always go right? This is not scientific proof, I’m just speaking from experience. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah…
So I go right. And there’s the bridge. One of them, at least. The voice is talking: This is good. This is right. You’re going the right way. You’ll be there in no time. Then, the strangest thing happened. My stomach did this tightening-lurch thing. It was in a vice grip. NOOOO!!!!! it shouted in doom, YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY! IT’S A TRAP! ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! THE VOICE IS WRONG! I REPEAT, THE VOICE. IS. WRONG! Oh, my God, the voice is wrong! I’m going to be late! Stupid voice always lying to me! This is not the time! I find the nearest cross street and make a sharp U-turn, praying there are no police around me. Then there’s the sweating again. I’m pitting my shirt. I’m losing it. I’m going down. The car is turned and I’m heading in the opposite direction. And I’m driving. OK, this is good. Whew! Glad I caught that voice before it did me in.
Then, another strange thing. Traffic. Lots of traffic moving in the direction I just turned from. That’s right. The opposite direction. Why are they… wait. Where’s the freeway exit? The one I’m supposed to pass after the bridge that takes me to Bratenahl to Lakeshore to East 185th? Why is there no traffic in my lane? I’M GOING THE WRONG WAY! SPOOOOOONNNNNN!
I make another U-Turn. I’m back in the flow of traffic. I wait for the voice to tell me it told me so. I hear nothing but the wind pulsing through my open windows. I am defeated. And late.
It is times like these the voice presents itself in such a way as if to say, “If you trust me so much, follow me. If you believe in me so much, take up your staff and follow me.”
Such a presence, that voice. An ethereal, heavenly… presence?
The voice doesn’t scold you if you ignore it. It just leaves you. And there you are, left to ponder your choice and live out the consequence therein. The voice, the instinct – it’s been talking to me in so many respects and real-life situations. It is up to me to take up my staff and follow.
Just came across your blog and I love it! Read your comments policy and I’m very sorry for the reason you need one. That’s horrible. Anyway… I love the way you write, I feel like I’m talking to myself when I read it because you explain things in a way that I would….and I can just hear my own voice… plus I am just as directionally challenged, lol! I also have a blog to ease my mind. It helps to just get stuff out and in the open somewhere….
I don’t care who reads it as it is more for me than anyone else. I hope to read more from you in the future. Oh, and see more of your beautiful photograpy – nice work!
@Neonmouse: Wow! Thank you so much! Hey, I talk to myself all the time. Feels good to have an outlet other than empty space, doesn’t it?! And thank you for the compliment on photography. I’ve been practicing. Here I thought I sucked at it. (LOL) Glad someone appreciates it. Enjoy the site. It is a labor of love.