Enough.

Pear Kisses by Richard-

New year, new hangups. This year, my hangups rest firmly on my butt and thighs, and them are some stubborn puppies.

In keeping with my solemn vow to curtail all bitching and moaning to things I can change, I am kicking the “No More Bitching About My Baby Weight” train into high gear. First, I’ll start off by telling you how much I weigh (factoring height into the equation for good measure), then move on into a list of the methods of diet and exercise I either a) have tried, b) am trying, c) deem too radical and would thereby catergorize them as “too scared to try”. While you may think me foolish for listing my weight (because what woman in their right mind would tell the world how much she weighs when it is cardinal rule numbers one and two to keep the weight and age of a woman secret?). Hey, I’m basically giving you an in on my life by telling you I tried to kill myself. Not once. TWICE. I figure we’re good pals by now, don’t you?

Enough stalling. I am 5′ 10″, give or take a 1/2 inch shorter depending on how my body decided to adjust itself when I got out of the bed that morning. You ask my 5′ 7″ husband my height, and he will gladly say 6 feet. But that’s what all pygmies say when standing next to bean poles. And now… on to the weight. I am… (gulp)… 176 lbs. There. I said it. I want to die now, but I said it. Ugh.

You look at those figures and go “Is that it?! Come and talk to me when you’re over 200 pounds!” And I KNOW! You would be totally fair in pulling my bitching card, revoking it until further notice. Believe me. I wouldn’t hate you if you did. But I was a skinny kid. So 176 lbs. is a big deal for me. It is the most I’ve ever weighed without being pregnant. Not the first time I’ve weighed it, but the most. I was nineteen when I began dating my husband, and two years into this weight. I hid it in clothes bought from the Big & Tall Men’s store. (It was the 90’s. All the clothes were big. Don’t judge me.)

I am pear shaped which means my arms and majority of my stomach have no trouble staying small, yet the entire lower quadrant (butt, thighs – I don’t have hips, my father’s fault) suffers. After my first pregnancy, it took me a little over a year to get down to 156 lbs. On me, those twenty pounds made a HUGE difference. Everything about my second pregnancy was different. Although I had girls both times, I was on bed rest the last two months of the second pregnancy and my body took a tremendous strain. I am tall, yes. But my legs are not strong. My grandfather used to call me an ostrich. I have all this height, but I was clumsy, awkward, and have no idea what to do with my legs. They are the first to go should anything happen to me physically.

What do I do now? Let’s start with what I HAVE done. Exercise is up first:

The Firm

Gotta love infomercials. This particular one featured girls who didn’t look skinny, but were obviously in good physical condition, talking about the benefits of a workout routine on a pair of plastic step stools they called “The Fanny Lifter”. I bought it. Twice. Once in VHS, the other I converted to DVD’s. In all honesty, The Firm worked well for me the first time. It is failing me now. Granted, I am not using it like I should… but you probably figured that out already.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: They now have something called "The Wave". Oh, so tempted. Must look away. Must. Look. Away. On second thought, what are the odds I'll kill myself trying to stand on that thing? Never mind.]

Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred

The jury’s still out on this one. I’m in the midst of doing it. Stay tuned…

The Bender Ball

My 45 lbs. seven-year-older turns to me and goes “Mommy! You need that one, don’t you? That looks like a good one for your jell-o belly.” I’m going to miss her. While I mourn, I must admit my interest is piqued. Will I try it? It’s $10. Plus I get a bonus butt and thigh DVD if I order in the next ten minutes. I’d be crazy not to give it a go. I’d be crazier if I gave it a go making this the fourth fitness program collecting dust in my catalog. Catch-22. Stay tuned…

Stability Ball

Not quite a fitness program – more like a fitness prop. Sure, I bought it to be used in conjunction with Denise Austin – Fat-Blasting Yoga: 21 Days to a Yoga Body, but that came in VHS at the time, and I’m getting tired of converting all my tapes to DVD’s. At least the ball isn’t going to waste. My kids are getting hours of enjoyment out of it. Those things make great beach balls.

I sense a pattern beginning to emerge. It would seem as though my problem is not finding the right exercise program. It’s sticking to it. Dang that hindsight. Since I’m on a roll, may as well move to my litany of diet tries:

The 50 Million Pound Challenge

This one doesn’t seem too bad, but the things they’re telling you to eat and not to eat are not only things I already know, but put into practice. Seems like no-brainer stuff, but I’ll play along. Stay tuned…

Weight Watchers

I have not tried the actual pay-to-play program, but I have tested their free meal plan (offered on their site). Also no-brainer stuff. Also things I’ve put into the practice. I’ve heard horror stories about their shakes (spastic poop; explosive, uncontrollable gas) to which I say “no, thank you”. I have enough bowel trouble. I don’t need more. Their chocolate chip breakfast bars are awesome, though. I credit them for helping me lose after pregnancy uno.

Alli

This is the only over-the-counter diet supplement I’ve seen advertised that’s sponsored by the FDA, and created by a widely recognized healthcare corporation (GlaxoSmithKline). All this means is I am less likely to have my heart explode while running on the treadmill if I’m using it. A nice quality. Then you read about how it works and there’s this little thing called “treatment effects“. And I’m all nuh-uh, dude. You must be on crack with that one.

This isn’t calculus. People lose weight all the time. The trick is finding the right combination that works for me. I’d love to have a magic ball and know right now so I can get to work on it. But I have a feeling this will be more like a crap shoot than an exact science.