Booger, like any good, young grasshopper, is being taught the ways of the potty. While she is not nearly as resistant as her sister, they both share a common roadblock sure to hinder her progress - she won’t poop. In her pull-up or diaper, she knows the difference. She will most assuredly walk up to you and announce her victory. “STINKIE!” That’s great, honey. Now go do it on the pot. “I STINKIE!” Yes, wonderful. Can we get a repeat performance on the pot? “STINKIE! DIAPUH!” Mm-hmm. What’s the capital of Ohio? “STINKIE!” Right.

For some reason, the difference is lost in translation once a potty chair is involved. While the age gap between Mooter and Booger isn’t that huge, the advancement in technology in the matter of those four and a half years has been. They say parenthood is traumatic. Enough so that you tend to block out moments of obscene, frustrating proportions with happy flowers. In Mooter’s days of potty, I vaguely remember wanting to bash her skull in, for the child would risk having her legs amputated from loss of circulation in the time it took her to make water in a plastic bowl. She met my “Did you go yet? Did you go yet? Did you go yet? Would you go, already?!” with sighs and glazed over looks. I was almost positive she was playing a game of chess in her head while I lost my mind. Eventually, she got her act together and S L O W L Y made her way out of diapers, which was a good thing because BFam and I had a pack of Depends on hand just in case, you know, she was forty and needed to pee. But this was not cake, even at a snail’s pace. Pooping was still rejected, even on the full size, adult toilet because “it makes the noise and I is scurred”. Well, yeah, that’s kinda the idea. Work with me. Ever go into a mall with the automatically flushing toilets and a potty training-in-progress toddler and it flush when they’re not ready and all of a sudden you have pee on your leg and a trembling, wet midget standing next to you with handfuls of your thigh flesh in their grip? You should try it. It’s fun.

I hear this fear of pooping is common, but when your kid starts coming home from preschool and practically gives birth in your toilet, you become a little concerned and start lacing her sippy cup with prune juice. Let’s see you clench THAT sucker! Now, the good folks at Fisher-Price either got a clue or had a parent blow up one of their manufacturing plants because these suckers come with triumphant jingles every time pee hits the two-pronged sensors fused into the basin. Success is met with duuuunn-dun-dun-DUNT-dun-DUNT-DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN! PEE-PEE TIME! While this is all well and good, Booger hears that music and doesn’t stick around for the encore. Her job is done. See? See the pee-pee? I am potty trained, woman.

Now gimme my pull-up so I can take a crap.